CDF Characters read CDF series
by Azora's Landfill
Summary: Honestly, what else could Desmond do during his free-time? Why, make everyone read along with Darren's diary, of course! Between book 7 and book 8.


**Supposedly between book 7 and 8. A little OOC everywhere. Because notcanonthingsarehardtokeepincharacter**

"So… this is what Mr. Tiny does in his freetime," I said, trying to break the awkward silence between us. Currently, me and Mr. Crepsley were locked up in a room with other of our "guests" including Evra, Steve (Desmond needs a kick where it counts), my parents and Annie (he's gonna wipe all of our memories after "storytime"), Vancha, Debbie (mad girlfriend- and we haven't even gotten to the part where we risked her's and her family's life for Murlough), and Harkat.

My family was just staring at me as if I was some ghost- it was actually making me pretty uncomfortable. I shifted and coughed into my fist. Steve was giving me the death glare, which I gladly returned.

God, why was he here? Why am I here? Me, Crepsley, and Vancha should be setting off to find the Lord of the Vampaneze right now, not sitting here trying to make everyone invade my private thoughts. I still blush everytime I read the beginning- my writing was pretty pre-mature back then and it had thoughts that I wish I hadn't wrote down from earlier.

Mr. Tiny sat down in our little circle- a wide grin spread on his face. Oh, how I would love it smack it off right now.

"Well, Darren? Ready to start our little storytime?" He smirked. I resisted growling at the man, knowing what he could do to me with a single flick of his finger. He handed me a book called _A Living Nightmare by Darren Shan_ and I unwillingly grabbed it.

Mr. Crepsley raised his eyebrows at the man. Obviously, he didn't know what was going on.

"I was just so bored, I decided that we should read a story. But don't worry, it's a very fun little story. In fact, it portrays our little brave hero, Darren Shan!" The white-haired man boomed proudly. All the meanwhile, I chanted in my head _why was I here… why was I here…_

"Let's start Darren's diary, shall we?" I sighed. We were trapped. Besides, nobody was going to remember anything anyways.

I opened to the first page of my diary. Evra bit his lip, waiting for anything to come out of the book and grab me without a moment's notice. Debbie just sat quietly, trying to process what in the name of Perta Vin-grahl was going on here…

"_I've always been fascinated with spiders_," I began reading. This seemed to snap my family out of their trance. Their eyes lit up in horror and disbelief when they continued to gaze at me. Steve just scoffed and looked the other direction.

"_I used to collect them when I was younger. I'd spend hours rooting through the dusty old shed at the bottom of our garden, hunting the cobwebs for lurking eight-legged predators. When I found one, I'd bring it in and let it loose in my bedroom._" Mr. Crepsley let out a small smile at the tip of his mouth. His eyes carried amusement which made my hot all red with embarrassment. He was probably thinking back to the night I stole Madam Octa.

"_It used to drive my mom crazy! Usually, the spider would slip away after no more than a day or two, never to be seen again, but sometimes they hung around longer. I had one who made a cobweb above my bed and stood guard for almost a month. Going to sleep, I used to imagine the spider creeping down, crawling into my mouth, sliding down my throat, and laying loads of eggs in my belly. The baby spiders would hatch after a while and eat me alive, from the inside out._" Evra just shook his head although I could see a small smile on his lips at my disgusting thoughts. Everyone else but Steve was just looking at me in disgust- excluding Mr. Tiny, of course. Mom just sat in the corner shaking her head repeating to herself how much of a dream this is.

"_I loved being scared when I was little. When I was nine, my mom and dad gave me a small tarantula. It wasn't poisonous or very big, but it was the greatest gift I'd ever received. I played with that spider almost every waking hour of the day. Gave it all sorts of treats: flies and cockroaches and tiny worms. Spoiled it rotten._" Annie and Steve were looking at me as if they knew what happened next- which they did. Hope Mr. Crepsley doesn't think about what I would've done to Madam Octa like what I did to my former pet tarantula.

"_Then, one day, I did something stupid. I'd been watching a cartoon in which one of the characters was sucked up by a vacuum cleaner. No harm came to him. He squeezed out of the bag, dusty and dirty and mad as hell. It was very funny. So funny, I tried it myself. With the tarantula. Needless to say, things didn't happen quite like they did in the cartoon. The spider was ripped to pieces. I cried a lot, but it was too late for tears. My pet was dead, it was my fault, and there was nothing I could do about it._"

"Idiot," I heard Steve mumble under his breath. I scowled at him.

"Says the guy who asked to be a-" I was interrupted by Mr. Tiny.

"No spoilers!" He yelled, his glare giving my shivers down my back. I nodded and meekly flipped to the next page.

"_My parents practically hollered the roof down when they found out what I'd done — the tarantula had cost quite a lot of money. They said I was irresponsible, and from that day on they never again let me have a pet, not even an ordinary garden spider,_" I continued. Mr. Crepsley's eyes lit up with understanding. Part of why I stole Madam Octa was because I missed having a spider as my pet again. Well it actually wasn't- but that's probably what he was thinking.

Madam Octa was a cool spider alone. I would've jumped for her even if I was little. Until she bit my best friend. And forced me to become a vampire. Bastard of a spider living in vampire mountain now, having a happy life knowing she ruined mine.

"_I started with that tale from the past for two reasons. One will become obvious as this book unfolds. The other reason is: This is a true story._" Mr. Crepsley couldn't help but let out a snort.

"_I don't expect you to believe me — I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't lived it — but it is. Everything I describe in this book happened, just as I tell it. The thing about real life is, when you do something stupid, it normally costs you. In books, the heroes can make as many mistakes as they like. It doesn't matter what they do, because everything works out in the end. They'll beat the bad guys and put things right and everything ends up cool._" Annie grimaced. Probably thinking about how I "gave them up to become a hero". I didn't want to be a hero, though.

"_In real life, vacuum cleaners kill spiders. If you cross a busy road without looking, you get whacked by a car. If you fall out of a tree, you break some bones. Real life's nasty. It's cruel. It doesn't care about heroes and happy endings and the way things should be. In real life, bad things happen. People die. Fights are lost. Evil often wins. I just wanted to make that clear before I began._" Vancha shrugged.

"You act as if we didn't already know that," the tradionalist vampire merely added.

"Anyway, that's enough of an introduction. If you're ready, let's begin. If this were a made-up story, it would begin at night, with a storm blowing and owls hooting and rattling noises under the bed. But this is a real story, so I have to begin where it really started." I cleared my throat for the next line.

"It started in a toilet." Steve looked away in amusement. Everyone looked pretty amused actually. As if they were laughing at me behind my back.

"Hey, I didn't write a diary for people to _read, _ok?" My face got all red again. This is going to be a loooong story time. Very long.


End file.
